10 PM Conversations with my friend - Ayushi

Missies gossiping, spilling tea and making some life decisions.

It was 10 PM when I saw missed call from my friend Ayushi. Ayushi and I have known each other for over a decade. We were each others first roommates, friends and classmates for 5years at the College. First time I met Ayushi was at the hostel. My parents came to drop me at the hostel. While warden was showing us everything around, my parents curiously asked, “Who is her roommate?”. She replied, “Oh! There’s a girl who has come from Bombay (Mumbai). She was here yesterday with her…” While she was talking to my parents, I got a brain fog when she said my roommate was from BOMBAYYY. My wild imagination started picturing and painting her- 5’6, 28 waist, Regina George of Mean Girls or Blair from Gossip Girls. You might say that I was stereotyping and not all Mumbaikars are like that, but, at the age of 18 all I knew about Mumbai was through Bollywood, fashion magazines and TV serials. I was excited and nervous at the same time. All I thought how am I going to cope with such an energy pack, or will I get crushed or subsumed. Phew!!

My parents left, unpacked and settled me and said a Goodbye! My eyes were teary when I came back to room and there I saw Ayushi, sitting on her bed, greeting me with a smile. She saw me sobbing and consoled me. But I have got to say this that she wasn’t a character from either Mean Girls or Gossip Girls, rather she was a character of her own. She was sweet, humble, down-to-earth, got out of the cocoon kind of. My balloon of wild imaginations burst. We mingled easily, I wasn’t scared of her anything but her communication skills. Later, in our lives, when we discussed about each other’s first impression and I told her my imagination, and we laughed our hearts out. On the contrary, her impression for me was truly from Mean Girls, that I came across as bossy, and intimidating.

So, the other day when we were on the call, discussing about marriages, proposals, men, life. Her parents were actively looking for one, however the one she liked wasn’t upto her parents mark. My friend, Ayushi, is as delicate as a flower. She has been through alot, but each time she came back vigorous than before. Hence, her choice of man would be someone with whom she could be vulnerable, who understands her better and give her space to adjust and cope whenever she needs. Because back in college she was like a child to us, and took her utmost care.

While speaking over the phone, she took a long pause and said, “What if I marry and as my children grow they say that our mom was never present in our life emotionally.” “Or what if I don’t marry.?” She further added, “Utkarsha! The reality is one day our parents might leave us and, I don’t want to come back to an empty home.” This reality check hit me hard. She continued saying what if she gets married to a wonderful man, who ticks the all boxes, but her in-laws come out as opposite, who expects her to do all the chores and cook food the sooner she get back from work. To exemplify, she told about her colleague, who was smart, hard-working, achiever at office, married, has a child and man-child and her mother-in-law expects her to cook food, for all, after she reaches home. And next day, all days, she seems to be tired. And this example was relatable both of us. Two years ago our best friend got married to this wonderful man (and he is still), but on her wedding day, she was too perfectionist, tight and petrified because she didn’t want to get late or ruin any of ceremonies which could make her to-be mother-in law mad. We consoled her, but our friend was a gone case by the night she got hitched. (We love her, her husband and her mother - in- law too, from core of our hearts)

These fears were genuine, so does the number of eggs we have. We are no more 18, we are in our 20s which will come to end sooon. Hence, the pressure of marriage was weighing both of us down. Ayushi asked me about my status of number of marriage proposals and by when do I see myself. All I said, “I don’t think I will marry.” WHY?. After that big why, I opened up to her about the kind of marriages/relationships I have seen till now. There was a scar, left, unhealed. Yes, there were and are good marriages in my family/relatives/friends/neighbourhood, which I should consider as reasons and examples. But at the end of the day, I am a human and we all tend to bend and see what is not right, what could go wrong.

We continued discussing about marriage, pressure, right age, divorces, reports, egg freezing and this discussion led us to another topic- life. We have heard alot that at the age of 40s or 50s, most people tend to have existential crisis. They want to search meaning and purpose of life, re-evaluate their goals, careers, relationships and audit everything, only to check whether what they are doing is enough for self satisfaction. However, we have are existential crisis now. We discussed and cussed about how our lives have become when we one get up-go-work-back home- sleep-repeat.

This cycle of growth-lessness and mundane- ness was eating both of us to core. She said, “Look, I don’t want to live my life like this, as if there are timelines and set goals for everything. I want to work where I feel and see that there are opportunities to grow.” I nodded to every sentence she said because I was going through the same and the reasons are as my past experiences, self-doubt, no work to do. I could feel that my mind, acumen or degree was of no use, many times, even at work where I was given clerical work to complete if there was “no urgent legal work”. She continued adding that she doesn’t wish to live life where there was no enthusiasm or challenges to prove oneself. “It feels empty and as if something is missing and I am unable to find it. I don’t want an empty life as well. I know life is imperfect, with ups and downs, but getting up everyday not with joy rather force, because all we know is that Monday-Friday we will be doing the same grind with no end result.” Out of curiosity, I asked her what gives her kick in life or adrenaline rush and she replied dancing, gossiping, being a child like, getting attention. I humorously said “Oh! yes baby, you had our attention through out the college and you gave attention to every tom and harry but us.” “C’mon Uttu, things have changed, I have changed. Though didn’t want to. But gossiping definitely gives me a kick.”

Gossiping, sounded familiar. We gossiped a lot in College about anyone and anything. Our talks used to begin with hot gossip, leading it to facts and circumstance, ending as a ferocious debate on who’s opinion on burning hot topics should be considered. We loved, and if lost, one of us was definitely going to be leg pulled through out the day. But, now, things changed, we changed. We are 1000s km apart and last time I met her was in 2022. Interestingly, she didn’t know that adventure sports was the one that gave me a kick, probably because she didn’t see me doing that much doing college days, but man, activities like rock climbing, river rafting, flying fox definitely gave a me kick and made me feel proud and gave a sense of achievement. Sometimes, these days, arguing before the court gives me the kick.

The conversation went from one topic to another, not relating to each other and we never knew when this 10 min talk became 50 min. I enjoyed talking to her because after long time we got time to talk and share life with each other.

In the end, all we know that we wanted clarity and purpose in life, but don’t know how to find it. I hope we do it sooner. 🌻