Bed, Breakfast and Broken-Hearts
If not served right, still burns, just not as bright.
A snippet from my chat with my friend Pedro. He casually dropped, 'because I failed to find love haha'—his tone? More pain, less haha.
Is arranged marriage really that scary, or does it feel like the final resort—like a last-minute rescue mission by our parents because we failed at love? Or we don’t have faith in our parent’s choice, not realizing that we were their first choice (or probably because we aren’t the right choice they deserved)? Why the topic of love, relationships, marriage became difficult to discuss for 90s kids in their homes, so much so that many of us just dodge it or simply say “dekha jaega, jab hona hoga hojaega”? Or was this choice always difficult for all kids?
I remember visiting my mentor, my senior in litigation who practices before Hon’ble Supreme Court. I visited him to seek guidance in the field. I got it, just not the way I expected. Of those 3 hours I spent in his office, 1.5 hours were dedicated to why I wasn’t married yet or why one of his associates should also think of marrying now? I am not belittling his concerns, but he did try to convince us why early 20s should be ideal time to “settle down”. He shared one of the casual conversations he had with his law-student kids that “by the time they graduate, they should have a degree in one hand and a life partner in the other—settling down within a year or two.” He said that his children openly talk about relationships and heartbreaks they had and person they like. My senior assess their choices, and try to convince them for not crying over those who had nothing to offer in future- health, wealth, love, value, education etc. Well! practical man with lawyer’s mind, indeed.
After this brief session with him, I wondered does he know my story or, more accurately, the story of every millennial?
The usual script—school and college were all about “Beta, we sent you to study, not waste time on useless things. Focus on your career; everything else can wait.”
And, like an obedient child, I followed the memo. And for much of my life I actually adhered to this dialogue, so much so that even being away for 5 years I used to take permission from my homies for a night stay at my friend’s flat (because I was in campus hostel). I was given the permission for “a day stay”, but my hostel slip said a whole weekend). 😈
The Great Romance That Never Was
My memory recalls me of a short lived -‘interaction-attraction-crush’- whatever with-opposite-gender in High School. Orkut had died, Facebook was new to the world and so were I to the computers, I venturing into the cyberspace, exploring like a clueless kid, adding and poking people (not knowing what ‘poking’ meant). And then I met someone. yes online (I know most of us had a friend list full of strangers back then).
One fateful day, mid-message on my mom’s iconic Nokia 1100, she caught me. Chaos ensued. Heated arguments, disappointment, and the classic verdict—"Padhai likhai par dhyan do.” Even at school, teachers whispered about girls who hung around with boys as “Par nikal aaye hain”.
That phase got over in no time, but the belief system, it stayed. “Love and relationships are bad. If you be in one, you are not good.”
And then the belief got engrained in me unconsciously that I never tried to be in one, ever. I have been to all stages but never have I ever had a “LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP” or even “SHORT TERM.”🙄
That classic college romance—teaming up on projects, waiting outside class, fixed pillion riders, coffee dates, Mussoorie trips, sneaky night stays, late-night calls, Valentine’s roses, and message card recharges? Yeah, never had that.
I think I was too busy focusing on my “STUDIES and FRIENDS” instead of building “Romantic Relationships.” I guess I also failed like my friend Pedro.
But Pedro had a serious relationship, as far as I remember. You know, that one initial relationship leaves scars, which takes ages and humans to heal. Yes, that was the one Pedro had. (LOL! I am writing as if I have experience of such scars).
Hinge Games or Mind Games
My scars, hmm, let me just thinkkk, if situation-ships count, yes, totally, definitely. I have been into imaginary relationships, I believe. I mean how can he go out with me and my junior at the same time or ghost me after making the plan to meet at 7PM. Wait! Then I unmatched them. One funny (series of) incident happened, two years ago. My friend, Habibti and I were on Hinge. Interestingly, we matched with same person, Sh!%^y. That poor fool had no clue we knew each other. All we had fun on the chat with him sitting next to each other, reading each other’s texts and replies. Pure entertainment. Yeah! That was few fun evenings, before me unmatched him. Oh! I miss. Maybe, I was trying to heal something missing in me through this fun episode, or did I leave a scar on him? Who cares. “Raat gayi, baat gayi.”
Where Do We Go From Here?
Coming to scars again, my another friend had a few serious break-ups, that now he is actually broken, inside. To an extent, that he has given up on love and life around love. Earlier, he wasn’t ready to marry, although, currently he doesn’t seem to be much inclined to it, but has kind of raised the “green flag” for parents to start the search. And now he says “dekha jaega, karlenge, aur kya.” (Sad). He wants to, but he doesn’t. He’s open to marriage but hesitant to reopen his heart. Understandable. (Not that I’m an expert in scars—unless you count imaginary-ships and bad Hinge choices).
Another friend, who is on matrimony App, almost found a good match- almost. He did once, but then.. (let’s just keep it that way), he is back to square one.
But I know people around me who have had arranged marriages and are happy. Three of my friends are having best time of their lives, as what they say and they do push us to marry, find someone. But they don’t help us in finding one. I guess their inner motive is to find couple friends to hang with, because us aren’t enough.
Other friends had love marriages with their college sweethearts and they are also thriving. So, I wonder why, what is it with me? Where am I going wrong that I am unable to sustain some-kind-of-ship? Or have we given “marriage” an ultimate stature of happiness goal that if it is ticked off then only you have actually accomplished something.
The Confusion Never Ends
I discussed “relationships, marriage pressure” with my therapist and she said that we all see arrange marriage as a failure, rather it is not so. It is as beautiful as love marriage and arranged marriage doesn’t stop us from falling in love. But then she also added that “the more we grow old, less we socialize and it gets difficult for us to find a match.”
Boy! it is all confusing. First family, then feminists and now therapist. Family said- study hard; Feminists said- We don’t need men; Therapist said- We can have them, but now it seems harder.
Why is no one the same page?!
So were all those Hugh Grant, Jake Gyllenhaal, Mathew McConaughey, Ryan Gosling movies were lying to me all this while? How effortlessly they made us believe in love, the idea of it, the partner and that how it is available around the corner?
I learnt their teachings by heart that if “I saw you in well mannered properly groomed attire, with full length straight fitted trousers and socks within, sleeves half folded, sun glasses on, holding laptop in one hand and fixing hair with another, wearing analog watch, walking upright and passes by me with air having scent of your earthy cologne”, I will romanticize about us. I will romanticize about having a coffee, laughing together, taking long walks, me being Julia Roberts, Emma Stone, Kate Hudson or Anne Hathaway, just smiling and listening to you.
And then I trip and bubble bursts, only to realise you never saw me.
Not—So-Repellent
Right swiped boys have told me that I am too intimidating, too loud, too bold. One time this man said “Oh! I am looking for someone who is less ambitious. You know what I mean.” No, I don’t know what he meant. What do they expect from me- to cackle when in the Courtroom corridors, have long colorful nails, blonde hair? But I consider these as compliments, because most of my life I assumed myself as a naive, pushover, unassertive person. But, man, intimidating, loud, bold- I was on cloud nine and made that my identity.
But why boys repel too easily from someone who is feisty?
I had recently come across this reel on Instagram, which gives perspective of what Jo March meant in the movie- Little Women. “Women have minds and souls as well as hearts, ambition and talent as well as beauty and I’m sick of being told that love is all a woman is fit for. But... I am so lonely.”
I could feel what Jo felt, many of us could. I am ambitious, bold, fiery at heart, a dreamer with to-do list too long to finish, baggage to prove on my shoulders, running around, smiling, laughing, unstoppable, burnt out- only to feel lonely in the end. And maybe, just maybe, that’s the part they never warned us about.
All we are asking is- where are men? Men to share and support my baggage and bring me back from hyper-independence state to co-dependent/inter-dependent or simply dependent.
Behen! bas. I am officially tired. Yeh sab romance novels mein hi hota hai.😒
“Oops! Sorry, did you all just eavesdrop on my intrusive thoughts spilling out of my overthinking mind? I didn’t mean to be that loud. Please keep them to yourself. Don’t let my parents know, else - I will have to study harder, this time.”
“Let me do the final touch-up for Pedro’s baraat. Is my lipstick on the point, lehenga looks good? He has already called me twice, I should be rushing. He is getting married to the girl he had mentioned about and they planned for this sundowner wedding. Sun is on the spot, DJ is playing good, I must dance.”
Okay! Bye.
Such a fun read!
amazing read and so so well written, dost! Lots of strength and love to you :)