Pep talks to myself or not
Racing thoughts, missing out on things, is it just me?
It feels like I am missing out on many things every second, which are not even in my list of things to do in life. Everyday seems same. I open my eyes, look on the phone to see the class schedules, attend classes, have lunch, work, walk, dinner, sleep and repeat.
In between, I look out of my window (of phone) and scroll through what’s happening around in the neighborhood posts. I like, watch, stalk, envy those neighbors who hardly know me. I watch them smile, enjoy, get engaged, having babies, getting promoted, travel and contemplate why am I not doing that. Where have I gone wrong. “Look, she got an MBA from ISB, and has package of 30 LPA, why not me.”, forgetting that MBA was not even in my list, or business-related degrees. Neither was getting married as soon as I turned 25. I forgot that it was me who decided not to marry until I turn 28 and I also forgot that travelling to mainstream places such as Indonesia or Vietnam were deleted by me because travelling for me meant exploring less visited places or countries. Yet, seeing her visiting Thailand and enjoying Karabi Island with her bikini clad and boys, makes me question myself and maybe my friendships as why am I not friends with her? All I see is my potato-patato shaped figure and I self-reject myself.
My mind is constantly racing like a computer’s CPU, where I can hear fans rotating at high speed, out loud. I question why? Is there too much of load on my CPU or is it getting too many algorithms in too less of a time that it is unable to deliver all of them at once. What is it? My computer technician once said that if a program is not responding don’t give any other follow up action, rather wait for few seconds for it respond. Well, he also mentioned once that “When switching on the computer, do not give any command until the red light in CPU vanishes or green light starts blinking.” But I think I have stopped following his direction, because as soon as I wake up all I see is blue light coming from my phone, because if I don’t give this command the sooner I wake up, you never know what I miss, maybe a wedding of a couple who are my best friends’ brother’s friend’s uncle’s daughter and to which I wasn’t invited.
Do you also think that I have been misusing or exploiting my computer? It doesn’t have graphic card, yet I want to stream live games, it doesn’t have Auto Cad, yet I want to design, it doesn’t have SAAS software even. It is a simple computer with boomer processor, yet I want to give it multiple commands, those commands for which it wasn’t meant for. Or was it meant for and only needs an upgradation? What if there’s an error and upgradation accidently erase older files, which may or may not be of any help, but just a memory. I want to deliver every task whether needed or not, because I believe so it is important to do otherwise it is a waste to be a computer, I meant to have a computer.
Well! it is already 2AM, let me sleep over it and think whether it requires an update or is it really worth the way it is currently with its unique features that people might want to upgrade it to its level? Also, let me think what is it that I am missing out on every day or maybe nothing.